Dear Olivia Jade,
I’ve been thinking a lot about your future (well, in between my own problems and work and life and responsibilities). I realize that the punishment you have received because of your parents’ misdeeds has totally thrown you off course. Like…BIG TIME. I mean, like, losing Sephora? Gurl, those palettes were off the hook! (Is that still something the kids are saying these days?) A little too highlighty for my well-over 22-year-old face, but pretty, nonetheless.
And the whole Amazon Prime back-to-college deal you had going? Wow...that was one sweet dorm room. Most kids get that matchy-matchy comforter set from Target and maybe a furry pillow or two. But you? The giant bin of make-up brushes alone were enough to get you through your senior year (Ouch. Is that a sore spot? Senior year?). And it must have been totally cool to be able to actually find a reason to make school worth while by tying in those endorsement deals to college! I mean, by some accounts you had a seven-figure side hustle happening - a far cry from that job I had when I was in college typing term papers for classmates for 50 cents a page. That pretty much bought me a six-pack of beer every weekend and a medium pizza. One topping.
So I can understand why you’re pissed at your mom and dad. I can hear that conversation now:
OJ: Mahhhhhhmmmmmm...HOW COULD YOU???
LL: Olivia honey, we only had your best interests at heart. I mean, we never got to go to college ourselves, and…
OJ: Mom, I was making SEVEN BAJILIONDY DOLLARS! F*** COLLEGE! I just wanted to party, mom!
LL: No need to swear.
OJ: F*** you! F*** you! F*** you!
(Or something like that)
Meanwhile, while you’re currently kind of unemployable (at least for awhile), what with the lack of a college degree and the whole “Influencer” thing going down the toilet, I’m thinking that maybe you should go on a mission somewhere to help people who are really suffering. Young girls in war-torn countries, maybe. Go see what it’s like to live in a village in sub-Saharan Africa and have to carry a 40-pound can of water on your head for like 30 minutes back to your home. Maybe go volunteer for a human trafficking organization. Those girls could benefit from your insight. And maybe, just maybe, you’d learn how good you had it when you were able to go to one of the finest schools in the country without having to worry about anything like student loans or where your beer money was coming from.
I’m thinking it would be a way to use your influence for good. So what do you say?
I’ve compiled some links you might find helpful as you wade through these new, very limited waters you’ve rowed your way into:
10 Lucrative Side Gigs for Millenials
How To Be A Missionary (Not that missionary)
50 Community Service Ideas For Teen Volunteers
When A Rower’s Career Ends: Talking Life After Sport
How To Survive A Yacht Friend Breakup
In all, I wish you luck. I think you just might find out in the next couple of years, just how much you really did learn during your very short college career.
A Girl On The Go